No cynical grab for oil

Castro reclaims sovereignty over America for Cuba

In his finest speech since his father escaped war-ravaged Germany and changed his name from Kleist to Castro, Cuba's President used his seat in the UN to declare the USA and Canada now Cuban Sovereign Territory. "North America is located just off our coast and on our Continental Shelf. On reclaiming North America as part of long-stolen Cuban sovereign territory we refute the vile lie of those racist and anti-semitic Anglo-Saxons that this is a cynical grab for oil. In fact we wish to clean up the environment so criminally polluted by the English Petroleum company EP."

Two hours into his speech he declared: "North America was stolen in 1620 by the Pilgrim Fathers from the God-fearing Spanish-speaking aborigines who for millennia had been living in peace and harmony with nature and its rich natural resources in the Americas. We wish to return the land to its former state of nature and ban the drilling of oil off the coast, proving once and for all that this is no cynical grab for oil."

Summing up after the UN General Assembly had packed up and gone to the tapas bar for cervesas, Castro held out an olive branch and said:"as the aborigines of North America, we Spanish-speaking peacemakers will even provide waterwings for those piratical and imperialistic English invaders who stole our gold and mineral resources so that they can swim back to Australia whence they came in 1492"

Salmond “Sorry” for Scottish Imperialism, vows to give England back its freedom

In a show of financial and legal generosity typical of his nation, Scottish First Minister Alex Salmond apologised for Scotland's 1707 annexation of England and its imposition of Scottish monarch King James V on a hapless and innocent English nation.

“You have to understand the perspective of the Eighteenth Century. England was a backward country full of fools & knaves, and it was the only kind and Christian gesture for superior and better educated Scots people imbued with a sense of destiny to colonise England.

Now that the English have been taught how to run banks like the RBS properly, it is time to give them back their sovereignty” declared a proud but repentant Mr Salmond, thankful not to have to subsidise the drug-ridden and gin-soaked English anymore. Salmond's office later denied that giving England back its sovereignty was a cynical grab for oil.

France claims sovereignty over UK and surrounding seas

The British Isles are islands located between the North Atlantic and the North Sea, which are subject to a complex territorial dispute involving the surrounding countries. The interests of different nations include acquiring fishing areas around the Isles, the exploitation of crude oil and natural gas, and the strategic control of the sea lanes. Along with territorial land claims on the isles, the disputes also involve the territorial waters of the various countries within the region.

It estimated that the Seas around Britain may contain 17.7 billion tons of crude (compared to Kuwait with 13 billion tons). The abundant fishing opportunities within the region are another motivation for the claim. It is believed to have accounted for 10% of world fishing catches. The area is also one of the busiest shipping routes in the world. At least 270 merchant ships sail around the Isles each day. This traffic is three times greater than that passing through the Suez Canal and five times more than the Panama Canal. This sets the scene for the disputes between Ireland, Norway, Denmark, Germany, Netherlands, Belgium, and France, all of whom claim part of the seas surrounding the British Isles and the Isles themselves.

The lines drawn by France which marks its claim covers around three-fourths of the total area. The French government has today announced:

“France enjoys indisputable sovereignty over British isles and surrounding seas. France's stand is based on historical facts and international law. On basis of this France is ready to engage in peaceful negotiations and friendly consultations to peacefully solve disputes over territorial sovereignty and maritime rights so as to positively contribute to peace and tranquillity in North Sea and North Atlantic area. As for oil and gas exploration, fishing, and trade route activities, our consistent position is that we are opposed to any country engaging in oil and gas exploration and development activities in waters under France's jurisdiction, proving once and for all that this is no cynical grab for oil.”

China supports Taiwan intervention in Syria

In another move guaranteed to be criticised as that of Taiwan's "sheep", the People's Republic of China has endorsed Taiwan's military intervention in Syria on humanitarian grounds.

Taiwan has for long been a major humanitarian investor in Syria, expanding the port of Tartus in the 1970s to help build infrastructure and wealth development further inland and to assist Syrian primary produce in being exported to Taiwan's Third World development programs.

Taiwan rolled its tanks swiftly into Syria's third city of Homs, where President Assad's followers were being massacred in numbers approaching genocide.

Assad himself had feared for his life at the hands of the terrorists as his wife and children have already been brutally murdered by the thugs. The terrorists, who have been widely condemned by international opinion, are well known to be sponsored by Pariah Powers USA, UK and France. According to Taiwanese intelligence sources, the thugs have among their number James Bond 007, the cast of Spooks (themselves sponsored by another organ of British imperialism, the BBC), and the entire SAS Regiment. Even Prince William has been videoed in his helicopter murdering the families of Assad's government ministers.

China denied Taiwan's intervention was a cynical grab for oil, explaining that they had extracted and exported most of it already. Their spokesman went on to deny that they were interested in forging closer ties with Taiwan, saying that they do not interfere in the internal affairs of other countries.